Wednesday, 27 December 2017

How to get straight to the top without New Year Resolutions

Feeling slightly seedy after Christmas feasting, we are easy prey for the New Year’s Resolution.

We will make a promise to eat less/exercise more/ read improving literature/ take up fretwork.

The aim is to become better people.
The result will be that most of the forthcoming year will be clouded with a nebulous sense of failure.

So I’m asking you to think first.
There is a simpler way of doing this.

Next time you are ordering something on the Internet, or registering for an organisation, take a look at their drop-down list of titles – some of them contain the full range of options, from Ms to Viscountess.
You can select any one you like – the cursor does not contain a lie detector.

I sometimes choose Brigadier – to have attained such heights without serving a distinguished career in the army!
Then the person delivering my package will look at me with respect, for in their eyes, I am a brigadier.

The only time I regretted it was when we moved house and I lost some Tate tickets I had ordered months before.  Sue and I arrived at the ticket desk where I was confident I could explain myself:
“I bought two tickets in the name of Clare Hobba…”
“Nope – no record of a purchase in that name.”
Sue and I exchanged a worried glance – we had both travelled in specially.
I tried Nigel’s name and even my middle name, but they still did not recognise my purchase.
Finally, the woman squinted at me sternly:
“You didn’t call yourself Princess Cynthia Hobba did you?”
“Erm.  Yes.  That was very likely me.”
“What is your address?”
Dimly, I gave my current address – not the previous one from which I’d ordered the tickets.
More stern staring, even after I’d explained.
“I’m very sorry I gave a false name.  I shall never do it again.”


“Nor a false title, nor a false address…” muttered Sue in the background.