I found Jesus at the Garden Centre

Garden Centre statuary is fascinatingly naff. 

It is rare to find a beautiful, simple form produced carefully in good quality material.

I started snapping some prime kitsch at the weekend.

I spotted Greek goddesses suffering from the usual wardrobe malfunction;

Buddhas smiling tolerantly at plaster kittens.

Then finally….was I really seeing this?  Jesus, resplendent in fake marble, sacred heart and all.

It was, after all, Sunday.

Then it occurred to me:-

Garden centres are quite large organisations. 

Perhaps everybody wonders who keeps buying in the weird statues, but nobody knows.  Perhaps in fact, nobody is buying them. 

In our irreligious age, perhaps the deities have spotted where it is that people flock to on holy days and have decided to establish a presence there – in the garden centres.

And from the garden centre, they can find their way into people’s hearts and homes. 

It is a cunning plot to restore religion to the nation.

The only thing that might foil it would be if somebody started to produce garden statuary that was both in good taste AND affordable.

That would definitely put the kibosh on it.

A City at Second Hand

The town where you attend university will be forever significant to you. 

That street corner is the place where Somebody first held your hand, that bridge is where you and your friends whistled the Ride of the Valkyries  so loudly one night that you woke the neighbourhood.  That second-hand book shop is where you bought the little calf-bound copy of Thackeray.  

The town is a map of your youth.

But I also expected to have some sort of a relationship with the cities where my children were at university. When Pascoe went to Norwich I looked forward to getting to know the city.  I would have a confident grasp of its layout, know good places to eat, be familiar with its heritage. 

When he gained his degree and moved on (all of five minutes later), I felt like shouting “Wait! I’ve barely scratched the surface of Norwich.”

And now, as Perran comes to the close of his studies, we are facing the end of our romance with Bristol.  When we visited last month, it was important to take our leave of old haunts – Pero’s Bridge, the murals of Stokes Croft, Banksys, vintage shops on Park Street.

But vibrant Bristol just wouldn’t lie down.  Instead, it presented us with a whole new area to explore – the heritage area of the docks where we went aboard the replica of Cabot’s ship and Brunel’s SS Great Britain. We had a great time, and I suspect that Bristol will never become a city of memories for us – we shall go on visiting.

Airbeds and Karrimats

When Carenza held her 22^nd birthday party here both local and university friends came along. 

She had warned us that two or three might stay over.  On Sunday, we found ourselves frying up sausage sandwiches for thirteen people.  Seeing the tessellation of airbeds and karrimats on the floor in the sitting room reminded me of when we were at that stage. 

A year out of college, Nigel and I married and set up home near his parents in the North East. But we vowed that geography would not part us from our university friends.   We thought nothing of piling sleeping bags into our cantankerous mini and driving to the South East for a get-together.

The most memorable was at Annabel’s where around a dozen of us youngsters were bedding down for the night and promptly ran out of toilet paper.  People quickly became ruthless in appropriating any shred of paper that might serve and it all got a bit Lord of the Flies. This was my earliest and arguably most important lesson in hosting. Always check the paper supply.

We thought these communal weekends would go on for ever, but a little thing eventually made it too difficult.  In fact, several little things – a number of us had children. 

However, now that most of our children have moved on, we are back to slinging sleeping bags in the car and going camping and glamping together again, happily sharing a yurt or tepee.  Have to remember the loo roll though.

Waving to Infinity

When I lose a glove I feel annoyed. 

Where should I look for it?  Do I really have to buy a new pair?

Should I retrace my steps to look for it?

But then, when was it I lost it exactly?  It’s hard to be sure.

Losing a glove has been an entirely negative experience.
Until now. 

But last weekend, spent in the beautiful Peak District has given me a change of heart.

When you lose a glove in a beautiful place, some other walker will find it and put it up high so you can spot it when you return for it. 

In practice you will probably never return, but it has the happy side effect that your abandoned glove is now waving at a beautiful view.

 I have to leave the Peak District and go back to work in the crowded South East, but my glove will remain, gazing out for evermore at green hillsides, Spring lambs and budding oaks.

Kinda “There is some corner of a foreign field that will be forever England.”

Now all I have to do if I feel stressed in nose-to-tail traffic is to imagine slipping my hand back into that glove in its resting place on a bucolic gatepost and for a moment I shall be there.

(Although all grey, all the gloves in these photos were actually found separately.)

The Cake Conspiracy

Even a weird European chocolate wrapper proves unexpectedly tempting.

Something is afoot in the world. 

There are certain signs that something is taking place.

 1. Our team won the inter-church quiz and the prize was Thornton's chocolates.
2.       I went into school to teach Latin.  My pupils had just had domestic science and were each carrying a tub of warm cheese scones.  Several were kind enough to offer them to me.  (Clearly I must appear undernourished….or maybe I was just drooling slightly.)
3.       In came nice Mr P . He was carrying a massive piece of iced carrot cake. His mother had made it to share with his colleagues, but it now needed eating up. My pupils and I are nothing if not obliging.
4.       Then to Hilary’s for church house group.   But house group was having a shared meal.  In the face of the mouthwatering dishes that my friends had prepared, my resolution  crumbled like shortcrust pastry.
5.       The most recent happening is my discovery of a crushed box of Belgian chocolates in our bedroom.  We bought them for Nigel’s parents but he failed to deliver them and appears to have trodden on them instead.  We can’t give them away now!

Have you guessed?

Yes, I am trying to lose weight.

No wonder I am rubbish at dieting.

It is completely not my fault.

The whole world conspires against me.

Perhaps for Lent, I should give up trying to diet.

Hope for an Endangered Species

I am a great fan of David Attenborough and his wildlife programmes.  Yet, there is one endangered species which he has sadly overlooked.

It is the stick man (and woman).

In the case of most species, they are endangered either by habitat loss or by hunting.

But in the case of stick men, it is just that they are particularly accident-prone.

There is evidence (from SS Great Britain in Bristol) that this state of affairs has been going on for at least 150 years.

However, there is good news that breeding colonies have been established on public transport …

and in other public places.

But also, that all sorts of relationships are valued.

So perhaps the future for stick men is not so grim after all.

Still Proud

One of the cool things about being a parent has been attending concerts, shows and presentations.

At primary school, I remember being spellbound by the lisping singing and squeaky violin playing of my own children, then checking my watch while other people’s children performed their party pieces.

Secondary school was a revelation – suddenly the performances were actually entertaining – a good evening out.

I remember attending Perran’s last school dance show and wondering sadly if it was his swan song.

Far from it.  Thanks to Perran’s intense involvement with dance at Bristol, we have continued to attend performances during his degree.   Often they have been spellbinding, especially the Fuze show, and last week’s Bristol University Dance Soc. show. 

Perran has added choreography and direction to his skills (see video below of his and Molly's dance, "Play") and he has been a well-respected Dance President. 

More than that, it often looks as if he is having the time of his life. 

As he moves into working life, it may be trickier to find a group of people to dance with, but we very much hope he continues.

Meant to be

On Tuesday morning, I was supposed to be meeting my old friend Angela for a catch-up.  We tend to do this during the course of a country walk rather than over coffee.

Then the guys who were replacing our double-glazing  announced they’d be starting Monday.

But that was alright.

I simply asked Carenza who is living at home at the moment if she’d cover for me.  Of course she said yes.

So I would still get to see Angela on Tuesday morning.

Then Carenza landed a temporary job “Sorry Mum”.

But that was alright.

The guys would surely be trustworthy enough to leave just for a couple of hours.

So I would still get to see Angela on Tuesday morning.

Then I got a horrible cold.

But that was alright.

I was seeing Angela outdoors so I wouldn’t pass it on, and we weren’t going to walk far anyway.

So I would still get to see Angela on Tuesday morning.

Finally Tuesday morning arrived – my cold was at the running-like-a-tap stage and the double glazing about a third done.  But what actually woke me up was Nigel, right in my face, yelling “Our drain is overflowing!”

He then commuted off, leaving me to ring somebody with the word “rod” in their company name.

I gave in.  It was no longer alright.  I did think of inviting Angela round but realised that a runny nose, overflowing drains and set of gusty holes where our windows once were might test even a well-established friendship.

I wasn’t going to meet Angela on Tuesday after all. 

So my question is this:

Angela and I both believe in a loving Deity watching over us.  Were we being protected from some awful fate?  If we had actually managed to go for a walk yesterday, what would really have happened? 

Might we have been run over by an escaped bison?

Might we have sunken in quicksand beside our modest local river?

Might we have stumbled on a gang of ruthless criminals mid-heist?

The answer remains a mystery. 

However, we’re planning to try again tomorrow.

Just saying.

Bennington Lordship

I hadn’t got together with my friends for about a month this time and was looking forward to a walk with them on Friday.  We planned to hunt for March hares madly boxing in the nearby fields. It is these daft escapades that gladden my heart.

That and the chat.

From Tuesday, I began to watch the weather. “Friday: Heavy rain”.

On Wednesday, I looked again. “Friday: Heavy rain”.

These things sometimes change at the last minute, but on Thursday: “Friday: Heavy rain”

“Heavy rain” I WhatsApped pannickily. “Maybe London?”

The others hedged.

“Will it be raining all day?”

“Clearing by two.” 

Two was late for us – we were usually getting ready to go home by then.

“Maybe the new Design Museum?”

Radio silence.

Then Carol suggested,

“This afternoon – Bennington Lordship.”

We drove.

Within the space of an acre or two Spring was sitting waiting for us. A mass of snowdrops were giving way to banks of crocuses.  Daphne Odorata filled the air with heady scent.  Dogwoods were sending up flames of pure colour. 

And we had a chat and a laugh. 
And some more chat.

No hares of course, but then, they don’t like the rain either. 

Maybe next time.

Thinking inside the Box

Pascoe has always been somebody who thought outside the box.

Except on this occasion. Where his solution lies inside the box.

What’s in the box?

A cricket farm.

In other parts of the world, crickets have been bred for centuries as a reliable and low-carbon-footprint form of protein.

Looking into the future and seeing that the human race can’t go on as it is without exhausting its planet, Pascoe has bought some of these crickets.

Have you eaten any yet?

No – they’re not ready.

How can you tell when they’re ready?

They start chirping.

Ahhh!.....Where are you keeping them?

In a box in the sitting room where it’s warm.

What do your housemates think about this?

Well two of them are Chinese and in Chinese culture it’s good luck to have a cricket in the house.

But is it good luck to have hundreds of crickets in the house?  And then, is it good luck to eat them?

AND FINALLY, THE KILLER QUESTION:-

Have you given them names?

BUT BY NOW, PASCOE HAS TIRED OF QUESTIONS.

Well, I heard a couple of the crickets talking and I think one of them was called Ralph, but now I can’t tell exactly which one that was.  I hate to say it, but they all look just the same to me.

I WAS ABOUT TO BLOG THIS WHEN PASCOE ISSUED ME WITH AN UPDATE:

Ralph (I'm 80% sure it is Ralph) has just entered her final instar and turns out to be a lady cricket... 

Too mature by half

Now that the twins have reached the grand old age of 22, life is less fun for me.  It is far harder to get a rise out of them, for example, see this Whatsapp conversation between myself and Perran concerning his next dance performance.

16/02/2017, 21:32 - clarehobba: Looking forward to your dance show.  Have booked Saturday matinee.  That leaves us free to come to the after-show party with you.

16/02/2017, 21:42 - clarehobba: Looking forward to that after-show  party.  What shall I wear ?

16/02/2017, 21:44 - clarehobba: Nigel looking forward to dancing at after party.  Am ironing his white jeans.

16/02/2017, 22:57 - clarehobba: What will you wear, Perran? Perhaps we could match.

Finally, in the wee small hours, a response.

17/02/2017, 01:30 - Peb: Only mesh garments allowed at the afterparty

17/02/2017, 01:30 - Peb: Any non-mesh garments will be burnt

On the bright side, that very possibly constitutes an invitation.

A Touch of the Poldarks

Carenza came with me to visit her grandparents in Cornwall.  In the car she asked if we could go for a walk on the cliffs. 

Of course I said “Yes”.

Over the next few days, she helped me to research my novel set in Newlyn.  She took notes in the archive and photos in the streets.

She helped me to shop and cook for my parents.

She listened to their reminiscences with attention, even when they had a somewhat familiar feel to them.

Over the whole time, the weather had been hostile.  Sleet on the journey down, icy rain as we plodded the streets of Newlyn, and an East wind like a bone-handled knife.

“Are you sure you want to go up on the cliffs? Could be blowy.”

This was British understatement for “Himalayan” or “Baffin Island”.

But she still wanted to go.

So we went.

There was a baby seal on the beach.

Hundreds of gannets  were diving like spectacular skewers onto a shoal of fish beneath the cliffs.

On the cliff path, a bold pair of stonechats hopped just ahead of us, and a raven cruised past.

As we returned, the sun came out and a skylark sang high above.

Back at the car, rock pipits hopped round our ankles as we drank hot chocolate.

So it was worth it really.

But it was still a bloody cold wind.

Let them eat hedgehogs

One of the things I most value about having children is that they create new worlds for me to explore.  Would I ever have learned to love contemporary dance if it hadn’t been for Perran?  Kept up-to-date with developments in Synthetic Biology if not for Pascoe?  Learnt about new perspectives on feminism if not from Carenza?

And more to the point, would I ever have attempted to make a hedgehog cake, if it hadn’t been for the twins’ birthday this weekend?

In Bruges

Before Christmas, Pascoe was working in London and would often appear at weekends, so we tried to be around then.    

Now he is back in Edinburgh. 

Now there are January hotel and rail ticket offers.

We went to Bruges.

But we found Belgium to be a disconcerting country of blurred distinctions.

Which bit of the road is for cars or is it all pedestrianized?

Is it Christmas or Valentine’s Day or neither?

Surely perfume is not for tasting.

And in Hieronymus Bosch’s  Last Judgement it was even hard to tell which people were being punished and which people were having fun.

New Adventures

Adventure at the Tate Modern.

I thought the post-kids era would be all mini-breaks and getaways.  For some of my friends, it appears to be. 

However (and I can’t promise to stick to this) we have cut right down on flying – often the cheapest and quickest way to go anywhere -  as it has disastrous implications for global warming. 

“See the world and destroy it at the same time.”

But I still feel like I’ve got some adventures in me!

So I’ve been thinking what an adventure looks like if I can’t fly to get there.

And I find myself humming a cheesy old song,

“I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to me…”

So this year I shall be going to me.

Following a dodgy back, I’m going to work hard to get my fitness back to finish walking the Ridgeway with my pals. 

I shall also learn new skills  (maybe Tai Chi?), return to old loves (painting, birdwatching).

And I shall also be going to other people. 

It’s hard to be involved in community if you are away a lot.  Being around more will mean we can see more of our friends and neighbours.  Generally, just making yourself more available to other people tends to involve you in things you never expected

….watch this space.

Snow Day

Snowy walk with Nigel, Jenny, Terry & Boris

For my first three years as a school-teacher, there have been no snow days round here. 

As a mother of school children I particularly loved snow days – climbing back into a warm bed with a steaming cup of tea, watching the goose feathers drifting down outside the window. The whole world came to a standstill – a blessed break in the daily grind.

But now I’m self-employed.  Any snow days will have to be caught up on later, perhaps when I had planned something more interesting!  So I have purchased snow shoes, ski poles and a board marker which operates at sub-zero temperatures.

Last week, however, snow threatened and it was a day when I had no teaching – the perfect snow day. 

But when I peeped out hopefully at first light, there was no snow, so no lie in.  Later, disappointingly, it rained. Finally as the day closed, the temperature dropped and at last, snow fell.

However, it was a meagre amount – not the bringing-life-to-a-standstill downpour I had hoped for.

BUT according to Govia Thameslink it WAS just that.

Nigel was stranded on his commuter train, WhatsApping me sadder and sadder updates and so was Chip with whom I was supposed to be having a meeting that evening.

Call me callous, but their loss was my gain.  When Chip got to her house, she was too tired to struggle out again for a meeting.  When Nigel came home, he didn’t feel like going out for beer with the guys, decided on a night in and lit the stove. 

So finally, I may not have got my snow day, but I did get a snow evening.

New Year unleashed

Usually we are visiting Northumbrian grandparents at New Year, but this year we had returned in time. 

This meant that our children were at last able to escape into the wilds of youthful New Year’s Eve parties.

Pascoe left us on Friday returning to Edinburgh for a  New Year with fellow grad students from around the globe.  They had decided on a meat fondue and apparently ostrich and water buffalo were on offer.  They may have eschewed the humble haggis, but still all trooped out to see the Edinburgh fireworks.

Carenza and Perran both headed in to parties in London with me fretting openly about the risk posed by terrorists and questioning them in detail about their movements. 

I am truly grateful to our brilliant police, who were apparently out in numbers, that nothing went wrong in our country.

And in retrospect, perhaps I should have been more worried about the risk posed by alcohol.  But I think that everybody has now managed successfully to reconstruct their evening and fill in the gaps.

As for us, we were at last able to do something which our children had expressly forbidden before.  We have a DVD of the amazing Spencer Tunick Art Event where hundreds of naked people walked round the Quayside area of Newcastle and Gateshead and formed patterns with their bodies.

When our friends came round for New Year, we set the DVD to play with a notice saying “Can you spot Clare and Nigel?”

But however attentively you watch the DVD, you will not see us.  Because we were not there.