Should I get a Dog?

Clearly as my children are about to leave home for university, I will have unused capacity for care and affection.

Won’t I just crave somebody to bark orders at and clear up after?

Friends have suggested a cat.

However, I don’t think a cat will cut the mustard as they don’t make quite enough mess, and seem emotionally self-sufficient. 

A dog, on the other hand, might be just the ticket. 

I would like one which lollops round the sitting room knocking things over and preferably a fussy eater.  (A little pate de foie gras in a wedgewood bowl will do.)

Long white fur would be an advantage – it would mean I needed to hoover often.  Also, I would have to wash the mutt after each country walk.

Speaking of which, when we’re out and about, it should display absolutely no traffic sense and should attack indiscriminately dogs which are much larger than itself.

Also, could it please perhaps have some long-term difficulty like “weak kidneys” which means that we’ll never be confident to go on holiday and leave it in kennels.  

Right, that’s my life sorted out for the next fifteen years.