Saturday, 10 October 2015

Mrs Bean and the Greek Tragedy

As a birthday treat, Caroline kindly took me to a local production of the Burial at Thebes.
We carried drinks in plastic glasses to our excellent seats in the second row of the intimate studio theatre.
 Antigone was determined to bury her dead brother, but he had been a traitor so her uncle/ great uncle (sadly they were relations of Oedipus) threatened to execute her. Emotions ran high.

In the intimate theatre space, things began to get a little warm.

Creon and Antigone faced off, just inches from each other.  Just feet from us. Perspiration stood out on their foreheads.

I could feel a flush coming on.

Inch by inch I removed my jacket.  My chair-back put up a fight. Just as I thought I had succeeded, I kicked over my wine glass.  There was a plasticky clatter but I did my best innocent face.  It wasn’t only on stage that great acting was happening.

Creon was condemning Antigone to death.

Things were still too warm.  I felt in my back pocket for my hair band.  My seated position meant I couldn’t reach.   I squirmed in my seat as I tried to hook the hair tie.  People were beginning to look.

Antigone was saying she would rather be dead than betray her brother.

Finally I pulled the band out triumphantly and began to haul my hair into it when it snapped and pinged into the person behind me.

Enough!  

Antigone was about to be buried alive.  I would just have to put up with my flush.

Follow me on Twitter   @ClareFHobba


Sunday, 4 October 2015

Bake Off

Until now I have resisted it.  All my friends have been talking about it.  Many were visibly cheered when it reappeared. 
Finally, I gave in and watched it too.
The Great British Bake Off.
I assumed it would improve my baking.
IN FACT…
It gave me something to talk about with friendly acquaintances.
It gave a heart-warming picture of multicultural Britain (a three-cheers, two-fingered salute to UKIP).
It offered an engaging picture of the different personalities involved.
HOWEVER…
When Nick and Jackie were coming to lunch, I thought about the delicacies to which I had recently been a spectator – chocolate soufflĂ©, three-tier religieuse, macarons.
And I bottled it.
After all, even the mighty Nadia’s soufflĂ© had not been fluffy enough.
I would just make something with which I felt comfortable.   Something which I had baked successfully many times before-
- I would use the apples Chris and Christine gave us and the blackberries we gleaned from the hedgerow and make a wholesome Autumn crumble.
ONLY THING WAS…
I was so relaxed with my unambitious choice that I kinda forgot it was in the oven. 
Put it this way – I now have a new carbonised prop to use in my lessons about Pompeii and Herculaneum.
My baking actually appears to have become worse.

I don’t know if I can blame it on the Great British Bake Off, but I certainly intend to try.

Follow me on Twitter   @ClareFHobba

Friday, 2 October 2015

Speed Awareness

I got caught speeding. 
Everybody always has a very good reason for why they got caught speeding, generously peppered with mitigating circumstances.
But my story is simply general dopiness, with a little joie de vivre thrown in.
At the speed awareness course,  I and my fellow criminals queued to be registered.  There was the low hum of restrained British indignation.  The Indian Summer sun pulsed through the hotel blinds.  To have to give up a day like this!
Several of us stole glances at an extremely elderly woman, bent with age and with very sparse soft white hair.  Speeding eh?
When the policeman/driving instructor (I never disambiguated) looked at my licence he said,
“Oh, a doctor, what kind of a doctor!”
And I heard myself replying,
“Well clearly I was on my way to an organ transplant when I got caught speeding.”
The guy was staring at me. 
Fearing that I might be clapped in irons, I quickly amended,
“Just an academic doctor.”
Obviously, I then got picked on to answer a few questions in the session.  Smartarse!
At tea break (criminals get tea breaks?) everybody switched on their mobile phone like divers coming up for air.  Except me.  I call it mindfulness.  My family call it inconvenient.
Oh, and except the very elderly lady.  She told me her story in a cut glass accent.
“I was just leaving a wedding when it happened.  I hadn’t had anything to drink, you know – well, not very much.  I just felt light-hearted.  Light-hearted.  I think that was it.”
We went on to discuss the beautiful weather, then time was called.
As we made our way, she smiled up at me and said,
“It is wonderful though, isn’t it?”
“What is?”

“Speeding!” she replied happily.

Sunday, 27 September 2015

Into the Woods

The worst thing about decorating is thinking about it.  Just contemplating the upheaval  makes me feel like a lie down.
Carenza was very young when we decorated her last bedroom.  Together, she and I painted her tall bed lipstick pink.  Together we got drips and dribbles on tummies and sleeves.  Together we smeared it all around the house. 
  
For some reason, this time Carenza favours neutrals.
She picked colours more grown-up than I ever had.  We spent half an hour in Homebase squinting at paints which should have been called magnolia or cream, but, due to the vagaries of fashion, weren’t.
If only her father was as mature as she is. 













However, following touching scenes of Father-Daughter cooperation her new bedroom has been beautifully decorated.
Even the far end of her walk in wardrobe has been papered with trees.  Now all we need to complete the look is a lamppost, some snow, and Mr Tumnus.

Follow me on Twitter   @ClareFHobba

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Apple Surprise

When we arrived in St Albans it was an Indian Summer and we had inherited a bramley apple tree which showered us with its abundance.  I spent dreamlike weeks in the garden peeling apples and watching our three tiny children scampering about in the sun. 
Eight years later, we moved to another neighbourhood and we had an apple tree again, but it bore fruit only grudgingly.  Then Nigel pruned it and it began to flourish.
In October, we would sometimes have a dessert called Apple Surprise.  Apple Surprise was any pudding which actually contained no apples.  That was the surprise.
But this year we have moved again. 
As yet our garden is a featureless rectangle.  We are focusing on the house so the garden must wait until next year.
Except for one thing – the apple tree.  I came home last week to see a very long cardboard box on the drive.
Bert the Bramley had arrived and Nigel spent much of Saturday planting him. He then lavished him with compost and flooded him lovingly with water.
 But it will still be two or three years until we can eat apple surprise again.
Which is why it was particularly welcome when Chris and Christine appeared at our door on Sunday with a generous bucket of windfall apples.

Rest assured Chris & Christine, Bert the Bramley was watching and one day he will reward your kindness.

Follow me on Twitter   @ClareFHobba

Friday, 18 September 2015

Surprise

Ellie is surprised!
As you get older you are harder to surprise, but on the other hand, more and more people seem eager to try.
Last Friday, Ellie thought she was picking her mother up from choir practice to go for a birthday meal.  But we all jumped out from a darkened hall shouting “Happy Birthday”.
She was happy and astounded.  A successful surprise.
On Saturday, Chip, whose surprise we could not attend, went to the same hall to run through a church service.  Then everybody yelled “Happy Birthday”.
She was delighted and stunned.  A successful surprise.
We couldn't be at Chip’s because I had already booked yet another surprise.  This one was for my family plus old friends David and Carolyn. Would it be successful?
Photo ID was necessary, so Nigel guessed at the Houses of Parliament; Perran, a day out in Calais(!).  Those destinations sounded more interesting than what I actually had planned.  I hoped there would be no disappointment.
Then we took the tube into the City.  Carenza guessed we were going on a tour of ancient Guild Meeting Halls. Oh dear.
We gazed on the outlines of the Gherkin and the Cheese-grater and the Walkie Talkie.  Did we like them or not, dwarfing the much older surrounds?

Then suddenly, we were entering the Walkie Talkie.  Happy as we took the slick lift to the thirty-fifth floor.  Delighted as we poured out into the light of the SkyGarden, a lush public park high above London.  A successful  surprise then.

Follow me on Twitter   @ClareFHobba


 

 


Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Sleepless

One disadvantage of middle age is that I sleep poorly.
I long for the far off days when I woke up to a sore ear  - I slept so deeply that I didn’t stir, and my ear would suffer from pressure.
I wake nowadays fractious and craving more kip.
My sleep is shallow and restless.
Or so I thought.
Today I have knocked on four of my neighbours’ doors  to apologise: my car alarm went off in the wee small hours.
Piecing together the neighbours’ politely tetchy comments, it went on for maybe two hours.
I wouldn’t know – I didn’t wake up.
And this is not the first incident: three weeks ago young Kit, who was staying with us, finished his late shift at the restaurant only to find he had no house key with him.  The neighbours heard him banging on our front door, but we didn’t. 
Nor the doorbell.
Nor our mobiles.
He cleverly used social media to locate a friend who was still awake and went to sleep at their house.
“Well,” I said to Nigel, “On the bright side, at least this means I must be getting more sleep than I realised.”

“Yes.  And you’ll be needing it.  You’ve got another seven more neighbours to apologise to.  Off you go.”

Follow me on Twitter   @ClareFHobba

Thursday, 10 September 2015

Sca Fell by Unicycle


Last Friday, Pascoe was leaving us for Cambridge where Caroline would pick him up in her car and drive him and Ian and Michael to camp at Wasdale Head in the Lake District. Camping at Wasdale Head would have been enough by itself for me, but they were planning to unicycle up Scafell with its screes and precipitous drops.
I had scheduled in some fretting, but barely found the time due to starting back to school where I teach Latin.

Confused dreams with Caecilius and Metella unicycling through Pompeii.

The unicycle ride should have been completed on Saturday, but belatedly we discovered that our heroes should never have ventured out in a vehicle with four wheels instead of just one – Caroline’s clutch had gone. 
A day later, they were able to set off again, but we at home did not know that.  Jolly big hills blocked the signal and strangely, internet was not available in the mountains. 

So it was a while before we discovered  that they had achieved their objective safely. 
  
I would like to say I had been on tenterhooks, but instead I had been worrying about how to explain Quintus’s very short skirt to my year sevens. 

Hopefully, he will never, even in my nightmares, attempt to ride a unicycle in that tunic.


Friday, 4 September 2015

At it Again

This time last year, I encouraged Pascoe in his attempt to ascend Ben Nevis by unicycle.  It reminded me of the TV Ripping Yarn, “Crossing the Andes by Frog”.
And then on the day when it actually happened, I sat and worried.  I had encouraged him.  And now his life was in danger.
But it was okay – he and Caroline and Ian survived.  Triumphed.
When he said that this year it was Scafell, I worried more.  England’s highest mountain is not as tall as Scotland’s, but it is more extreme.  There are screes, gorges, sheer drops.
I shall spend tomorrow distracting myself.
Probably by packing up a parcel of Pascoe’s possessions to send back to him.  Ten days ago he set off for camping with us at Greenbelt, then a conference, at which he was giving a talk about his research.  Then off to camp again in the Lake District.
Funnily enough, by the end of it, his various sets of clothing and equipment had got the better of him and now need posting.
The one thing he was adamant should always go with him was his unicycle – wrapped in a massive bag made out of a long skirt he got from a charity shop – apparently, buses don’t let one travel with a naked unicycle.
May God bless your unicycle, Pascoe, and all who sail in her.  him.  it.   whatever.

I pray it goes well tomorrow.

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Salt Smuggling

Caught with salt on his person
The other day, a friend put me to shame by saying that she had sat her nearly grown-up kids down and forced them to watch Midnight Express so that when they went travelling abroad, they weren’t tempted to try smuggling “anything” through customs. 
What a sensible idea.  Why hadn’t I thought of that?
Instead, when Perran went abroad, I had been concerned only that he ate a sensible diet.
He planned to cook for himself in hostels so I had entrusted him with my Magic Tupperware Box – a tiny receptacle which I take when camping.  It contains cloves of garlic, stock cubes, dried chillis, little plastic bags of garam masala, dried herbs, black pepper and salt.  Salt being, of course, a white powder.
Perran  returned home recently en route between Berlin and Bristol where he  is at University.
He told us all about his inter-railing adventures. 
All had gone well until he crossed the border from Amsterdam to Frankfurt.  He and Amy were clapped in cells and treated in a most unfriendly manner.  (That’ll teach them to dye their hair and have the odd piercing!)
Apparently the contents of the Magic Tupperware Box caused general consternation and were taken away for testing.
“Um.  But it was useful when you did your cooking?”
“Yeah.  The food tasted great, thanks.”

So that’s alright then.

Sunday, 23 August 2015

Happy Wanderer

A Magic Bus will bring Perran home tomorrow.
It is a proof of the rapid passing of time that before I have even made time to blog about his departure, he will return.
He and Amy have been inter-railing in Northern and Eastern Europe.  

I never had a copy of their itinerary, but looking at my phone, have received messages from Amsterdam, Berlin, Vienna and Budapest.  
There were also other cities from which I did not receive a text.  And the texts that I did receive were not from Perran, but from Amy, as his phone had stopped working. 

Perran is a vegan and will have had some interesting negotiations and compromises with local cuisine.  There was also the tricky question about how much money it was safe to carry, especially as travellers’ cheques are no longer in vogue.
However, I did not waste time worrying about Perran. 
I could say that it is because, at twenty, he is officially a grown-up now.

But probably it is really because I am getting better at being the mother of grown-ups.

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Go Set a Scotchman – Edinburgh Fringe



Pascoe is undertaking his PhD in Edinburgh, so I took the opportunity to visit the Fringe. 
After last year’s close encounter with the excellent stand-up, John Kearns, you’d think I would have learned to sit at the back and stay quiet.  However, late at night, in the Banshee Labyrinth, I did find myself responding to the compere’s  plea and joining in a poetry slam where they were short-handed. 
Since I didn’t know I would be attending a poetry slam, nor indeed what one actually was, let alone that I would be taking part,  a veil is probably best drawn over my performance.
 And, Pascoe, although I said that it was an accident when I stamped on your phone, I have to confess that it wasn’t really. 
Never video your mother when she’s had a whole half of cider and decides to “do some poetry” in a public place.
Apart from that debacle, I was finding some of the comedians just too potty-mouthed.  It annoys me when a sparky, talented and devastatingly funny person has to resort to jokes about oral sex to feel sure of a laugh. 

Instead, Pascoe and I went to more shows this time, and loved Fable for its idealism, Bromance for its wit and incredible skill and The Night Watch, for an excellent performance from Sasoon Moskofian and colleagues.

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Shooting Stars for Results Day

When I began this blog, it was all about myself and my three children applying for university.  So A-level results day loomed large in 2013. 
“Thank goodness that’s all over!”
But apparently it wasn’t.  
Our friends Mark and Adri  have gone to work abroad in Singapore leaving their son Kit in the UK to launch upon student life.  At the moment he is staying with us.  
He is hoping to study Product Design at Loughborough.
But last night was the darkest night, the one before results day. 
It was the kind of time when irritating adults tell eighteen-year-olds that although everything seems dark now, they should try to get everything in perspective and to see clearly.  There will be light at the end of the tunnel.
Fortunately, there was no need for us to do that to Kit.
Because a shower of shooting stars intervened.
When it was dark, we went out into the garden and lay on rugs, looking up at the heavens.
Because it was a clear night, we were able to glimpse the meteors zipping through the atmosphere.
The Perseid Meteor Shower certainly put everything in perspective.
The only drawback was that there was too much light at the end of the tunnel, and light pollution cut out many of the smaller meteors.
And the first piece of news this morning was that Kit had gained the place he wanted at Loughborough. 
He must have wished upon a star.




Karfi

It was the very last day of our stay in Crete and we climbed up a hillside to the Diktean Cave – suitably spectacular for the birthplace of Zeus.  After that, Nigel planned that we would climb another mountain and visit Karfi, the melancholy  site of the last refuge of the Minoans. 
A fitting ending for our holiday.  
The idea was to drive up a dirt track and park by a tiny chapel on a higher plateau before making the ascent.  Except that my leg was aching and I was sure I couldn't make the 200m ascent.  And the walk had disappeared from the Lonely Planet website - had people had bad experiences? Just how rough was the dirt road?
As we rested at the inn, Nigel and Pascoe went out on the pretext of going to the shops.  They returned much later, enthused.  They had explored the first stretch of dirt road.  Although aware that I was unlikely to make it, I allowed myself to be persuaded.  Not least because there was the prospect of seeing the massive griffon vulture, with its wingspan of 2.8 metres.
In the evening light, the shadows of the mountains fell mauve.  There was the comforting mellow sound of sheep bells, the low croaking of ravens. Every so often, the breeze blew us the savoury  fragrance of wild thyme or Dictean oregano. 
All of this would have been enough by itself, and indeed, it might have had to be for although Karfi has been called the Machu Pichu of Crete, there is little now to see.  It was sad that the once great Minoans had been driven this last mountain stronghold while the rest of Crete was under Mycenaean rule.
But what about the griffon vultures? As we climbed, we had already twice been distracted by exciting birds of prey which turned out to be buzzards.
But now, just skimming the horizon, I began to see something else. A really large bird. I was never quick enough with my binoculars before it dipped from view. As we gained the top of the pass the sightings became more frequent.  There seemed to be three of the birds.  Seeing some ravens flying around them and dwarfed by them, I realised that we were looking at something very large indeed.  Finally I let myself believe it. 
'Vultures,' I yelled.
Soon, we were at the topmost plateau, and the giant birds were using the thermals it produced in order to rise, so they would swoop in spectacularly low and we could see their heads move as they checked us out. 
“Nope -  not carcases yet,”
Then as they caught the air current, they would soar high away.  Paragliders appeared, drifting through the air and one curious vulture circled them.  
'Can you imagine?' said Perran 'That would be so scary.'
Meanwhile, Carenza, followed by her brothers, climbed the high limestone pinnacles which were beginning to flush apricot in the sunset, getting even closer to the huge scavengers.  Nigel & I began to explore the tumbled walls of the ancient settlement, overgrown with all manner of thorny and aromatic plants.  Even so, it was hard to take our eyes off the birds and it was remarkable how swiftly their vast wings carried them on the breeze with scarcely ever a flap. 
Finally, when the vultures were no longer visible and the youngsters had descended to the ruins, we decided it was time to head back down to the car. 
But we threw one last look over our shoulders and there they were, approaching along the flank of the mountain - a flock of seven vultures, and heading in the opposite direction, just for scale, eight ravens. 
It was our own personal fly-past.
And when we got back down to the inn and the internet, we looked up a word we had never before needed to know –

apparently, the collective noun for a group of vultures is a 'wake'.
Photo by Carenza




Friday, 7 August 2015

Nissan Dorma

One of the mountainous roads the Nissan Dorma took us down.
Our car hire in Crete didn't start well. Aegean airways had altered our previously convenient flight so that we now arrived at 3 am. Nigel phoned Europcar to make them aware and they came up trumps. On the phone that is. When we actually arrived red eyed at Heraklion airport their office was in darkness and we had to hire not one but two expensive taxis to our hotel. 
Nigel had no hesitation in using their negligence to our advantage and we gained an up grade on our car and a free sat nav. Then we went back and swapped it for a sat nav that worked.
The car was an unaesthetic square-built Nissan although we never did determine of what model. Nigel called it the Nissan Dorma. It had a feature at first alarming, later endearing, of screaming like a Chelsea Socialite who has just seen that Bolly is on special offer at Harrods. It turned out to be the air conditioning.
Later when the air conditioning packed in altogether, we missed the screaming. We managed to get five adults and all their luggage for two weeks into it without trauma by insisting that everybody pack their chattels into soft-bodied bags. Oh , and by me forgetting to bring the snorkelling things and aqua shoes.
The Nissan Dorma served us well and introduced an essential note of tension to the holiday when half way through we scratched the roof trying to park in the shade of old olive tree.  Other tree branches are soft and give a little, but apparently not ancient olives. How much would we be charged when we returned the car?
However, it never came to that – faced with a long drive into the mountains and broken air conditioning, Nigel demanded a replacement, and the Nissan Dorma was retired and replaced with a Fiat Punto with never a murmur about the roof.

I hope that if there is such a thing as counseling for cars, the Nissan Dorma is now receiving it – carrying five adults, (with occasionally an extra person in the boot) and all their luggage in Cretan heat on Cretan roads cannot have been easy.

Sunday, 2 August 2015

Snow and Crocodiles

At Amari Villas with the wonderful Mrs Reumi
We have been staying in the delightful Amari Villas, always caressed by a breeze which carries swallows and huge butterflies through the courtyard.
Manolis, our hospitable landlord, popped by for a glass of raki on our first night. 
“What is there to do around here?” we asked him.
He explained to us that the mountain which dominated the skyline was Mt Ida, where once the goddess Rhea hid her baby Zeus in a cave so that his father Kronos would not eat him.  And look - there, on its flank was a diamond of snow left over from the winter.
In these temperatures? But we goggled at it and nodded credulously.
Then Manolis told us about ancient Byzantine churches and mysterious Minoan archaeological sites and pointed them out on the map. 
“And there,” said Nigel, indicating a reservoir, “–isn’t there supposed to be a good walk?”
Manolis confirmed that there was but said that there might be a problem – a two metre crocodile had been living there, presumably an unwanted pet which had outgrown its tank.
Again we gaped and nodded.
It was only the next day that one of us said “Hold on…”
Snow in Summer, crocodiles in the reservoir – was it possible that Manolis had been having a little joke?
But as we were leaving the wonderful Amari, we saw that a local baker was also celebrating the crocodile.  
Perhaps not a joke then.

But by that time, we had already done the reservoir walk.

Saturday, 1 August 2015

Hospitality

Hari leads the dance

Hospitality was of huge importance to the Ancient Greeks: Homer’s Odyssey tells us so.  I have spent the last year teaching pupils about xenia (hospitality), but last night I experienced it for myself. 
We are staying in the Cretan mountain village of Amari, and a man from the village returned with his Argentinian wife to have their beautiful new son baptised.  Our landlord, Manolis, assured us we would be welcome.  We went along to the church, saw little Gerry dunked in the font, then raised before the crowd three times.  Afterwards, we sidled shyly into the village square where tables and chairs were laid out for the celebration and were about to sidle out again when a woman glamorous in a white jumpsuit addressed us:  
“Hello – I’m the kid’s aunt – come and sit here.”
Her name turned out to be Hari, and she had organised the whole event, more than usually challenging in a time of such economic uncertainty.  She made sure we were offered fabulous Cretan roast lamb and cheese and honey cakes.  Not to mention limitless wine and raki.  But most of all, conversation.  
Intermixed with the local people is a cosmopolitan array of internationals, some lotus eaters, others running businesses.  Everybody had an opinion on Greece's financial troubles.  
But it was not the night to discuss such grim matters. 

Pascoe joins in.
As the traditional music got louder, the whole community got up and danced as they had danced through the wars and invasions of century upon century.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Pigeon Stretch

A complete stranger who is unnaturally bendy.
Today was my last day at school.  I didn’t even return to my desk but walked straight out of my last lesson over to my car and home. 
Soon the holidays will start.  Sun and sand whisper to me.
There was just one thing left to do.  I cycled over to my Pilates class.
Alice is a great teacher and she inspires confidence in me.  Confidence which is sometimes misplaced.
The roll-downs, cat stretches, c curves and leg folds were all fine.  Then Alice said temptingly,
“And this is my favourite stretch at the moment….”
We were all ears. 
“It’s called the pigeon stretch.  If you slide your foot forward and then bend your knee and then slide your other knee backwards…then see if you can bend your head to the ground…”
As we struggled to un-crochet our over-stretched bodies, I felt sort of limp and spongy.
“I’ve never seen a pigeon do anything like that, Alice.”
“You’re not the first of my clients to remark on that, Clare.”
Next, we were to do quite a basic stretch but I declared that I couldn’t.
“That’s funny,” said Alice, “Because you managed that pigeon stretch just now.”
But a couple of hours later as I sit at home I have to confess that I have done myself a mischief.  When the rest of the family go on their summer hols they will have to carry me in a hold-all like an enormous rag doll.
Is it possible that Alice had misheard?  Had somebody else been complaining about “That pigging stretch!”

Monday, 13 July 2015

Red Letter Day

In the distance are little starbursts of fireworks and I am walking towards them.  I can hear snatches of Beethoven’s Pastoral getting louder.  Wafting towards me are the delicious scents of Summer barbecues next to the sea. 
The event that I am heading towards is the end of term; behind me is my first year of teaching in a secondary school.
It got more manageable, I got better at it.  I enjoyed it.  I can’t believe how much I’ve learnt in a year.
However, because I have been part-time, I have another year to go as an NQT.
The difference is that next year I shall not be moving house and I have a bank of work that I’ve already prepared.


Yes, definitely Beethoven’s Pastoral.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Unwise Purchase

Last time we moved, we rushed at our new house like a bull at a gate.  We took rapid decisions about expensive items.  Tilers, plumbers and builders flashed through.
Then we repented at leisure.
We even had to move a whole wall.
This time, I’m not rushing. 
Even modest decisions like which lamp to put outside the front door can be slept upon.
Nigel attempts to drag me to DIY shops but I abort the mission.
Until Saturday, when I saw something which I wanted for the garden.  At Chidwickbury Arts Fair, I discovered some gigantic copper flowers made by Christian Funnel.  They were witty, well-made and affordable, so I pulled out my credit card.
Luckily, Carenza and Will were on hand to carry them for me.  As we wended our way down the path to the car park, the people we passed gave us special smiles.  
Or smirks.
“Oh dear,” said Will, “It’s like those people you see on the televisation of the Chelsea Flower Show.  They went looking for a purple clematis, got stuck on the Pimms and ended up staggering home with an unwise purchase.”
Silly him – who wouldn’t want a giant copper flower or two?

He’ll be laughing on the other side of his face when they protect us from the imminent triffid invasion.

Thursday, 2 July 2015

Homing Pigeons

We have moved house. 
In the Autumn we shall put out bird feeders and hope that blue tits and green finches find their way here.
Next summer we shall ensure that the garden brims with flowers and we will await the butterflies.

But for now, we have tried to make the kitchen comfortable and have laid in a stock of Doritos and Pringles.  
We wait with bated breath.  
Will they come?
“I think I hear a noise in the kitchen.  Could that be them?”
We creep down the corridor and peep round the door.

It has happened:  Perran, Carenza and their friends have returned home from university.  
Perran,Carenza and Sarah

Monday, 22 June 2015

Taking a punt

The twins are now past the halfway mark in their degrees. 
But wait a minute, hadn’t Nigel and I intended to relive our own youth through them?
The child-rearing textbooks say that a parent should never do that.
But we’re not listening – university is now an expensive business and we had planned to get our money’s worth. 
We had very much enjoyed Pascoe’s graduation ceremony and Perran’s Fuze show, but felt we still needed to extract an “experience” from Carenza.
In spite of many hints, she has failed to invite us to one of her college’s fancy-dress bops – can’t think why. 
We have enquired about croquet, but apparently the lawn is just beneath the windows of poor souls taking exams and there might be ill feeling.
Us? Noisy?
However, after a few pics appeared on facebook, we realised that there might be …aquatic possibilities. 
Amenably, Carenza booked a punt and we drove over.  Sadly, all the punts in Oxford are missing  one of their decks and people stand in the wrong end in order to propel them, but apart from that, we had a lovely time. 
We didn’t lose the pole, everybody ducked when we got enmeshed in a willow and the flock of geese didn’t spot our sarnies.
Too soon, it was over.  We had to relay the punt key back to another girl from Carenza’s college.  Oddly, she didn’t have her Mum and Dad with her – just a big bunch of friends. 

She didn’t know what she was missing.

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Pimp my trolley

My parents have had a shopping trolley for decades.   Some of my local friends have a shopping trolley – but then they are over seventy. 

And now, I am buying one.

It is my way of getting the shopping home without either using my car or wrecking my back. 
It is entirely sensible, but it does make me feel….old.

I’m sure I recall seeing rather nifty ones with fun patterns at our local market.  A funky trolley wouldn’t make me look so dated.

But there weren’t any when I went to make my purchase.  Instead, I got a navy blue one with white polka dots, such as Cath Kidston might design after she had just received bad news, or if she was feeling mildly depressed.
I found some fairy lights which hadn’t been pinned up yet in Carenza’s room.
That was the solution – I would pimp my trolley.
“Look Perran – my trolley doesn’t make me look like an old lady any more.”

“No Mum, but it does make you look a bit… eccentric.”

Monday, 15 June 2015

Bee-line

In the house we have just left, we built an extension which contained our bedroom.  It was spacious, got the morning light, everything we wanted,
EXCEPT
we seemed to have built it on an ancestral bumble bee route.  For many generations, huge, woolly bees had flown along that bit of clear sky and now that there was a bedroom in the way, they didn’t seem to be able to stop. 
So every morning in Summer, we would awake thinking to ourselves, “That alarm clock sounds very low –pitched today, in fact, a bit like somebody humming.  No.  More like buzzing.  That’s it, buzzing.”
At that point, reality would kick in and I would wheedle Nigel – “Would you mind letting the bee out, love.”
Well, he did sleep on the bee side of the bed.  It was a bit like letting the cat out only with the spice of added danger thrown in, especially as we were both half dressed and half asleep.
But in our new house, I was kinda missing the bee ritual.
Until the last day or two when the cotoneaster tree at the front has burst into bloom.  It is now covered in a mass of busy bumble bees.  Nigel and I watch them happily. Especially as they are of a much smaller species than our former morning visitors.
However, we may have bigger problems than bees here – as we watched, an enormous hornet descended, grabbed a bee and made off to its nest.

Which I hope is a very long way away.

Friday, 12 June 2015

Big Changes

Perran visited earlier to sort out his new room.
There have been big changes round here.
Nigel and I have moved on.
When we moved into our new empty-nest pad a few weeks ago, I found myself putting the plastic cups and plates at the back of a cupboard – we no longer host teen parties at the drop of a hat. 
We no longer have to hoard bedding for unexpected guests (although clearly, if we were hoarding bedding, they weren’t totally unexpected).
We don’t keep a stash of baked goods for when the kids return ravenous from school.
I now do two washes a week – one whites, one coloureds.  Instead of two a day.
But all that is about to change – Perran returns at any time (not sure exactly when – some things haven’t changed) and in a week or two he will be joined by Carenza. 
I have prepared for his return by moving all the cardboard packing boxes out of his room and into Carenza’s.  In the fullness of time, I shall celebrate Carenza’s homecoming by moving all the boxes  out of her room into Pascoe’s.

What more can they ask?

Friday, 5 June 2015

Doves

When Nigel and I were courting, I had a room up in the attic of Girton College.  From my window we could look out on the red-tiled roof and see a little bell tower. 
I do not know what the bell was for – I never heard it rung.  But I remember that on the tower strutted and preened a pair of white doves. 
We delighted in their affectionate billing and cooing over the months I inhabited the room.
The birds seemed like mascots for our own courtship.
When we married, the invitations bore doves and it was a dove that I embroidered on my wedding dress.
That was thirty years ago.
But recently, we moved into our new house. 
On the first day here, I spotted a white dove on the roof opposite. 
By the next day there were two.
Now, they parade up and down the ridge of the house several times a day; they bond by touching their bills together.

One is supposed to celebrate the thirtieth wedding anniversary with pearls, but we are celebrating it with pearl-white doves instead.

Monday, 1 June 2015

Up-size!

Nigel empathising with kettle
Over the last two years, we have downsized so much – our family shrank from five to two as the children departed to uni.
Following that, we downsized the house and are now in smaller premises.
I personally downsized the car during a moment of inattention.
But finally, excitingly, we have discovered an item which we plan to upsize.
Our ancient camping kettle which has served us for thirty years has finally sprung a leak. 
No more will its cheery whistle wake up strangers in nearby tents. 
Or for that matter, far-off tents.
No more will it unexpectedly release itself from its handle, splashing boiling water everywhere.
It has gone to the great campsite in the sky, and is whistling merrily in the heavens.  (I have no truck with the many people who believe that camping is the work of the Devil.)

But once a decent interval has passed, we plan to buy a BIGGER kettle.
Camping is a sociable pastime and too often our dear old kettle embarrassed us – after we had poured ourselves cups of tea, we could entertain only a friend who was not really thirsty, or perhaps very small. 
We would really have liked to boil the kettle surreptitiously so as not to disappoint others, but with a whistle like that…..

So now, we are about to purchase a 2-litre whopper.  Up-size!

Saturday, 30 May 2015

Truant

What we should have been doing, just a week after moving house:
We should have been working hard to heave our possessions out of boxes and shove them into cupboards.
We should have been rearranging the bookshelves and kitchen cupboards so that the stuff we need is at the front. (Question to self: if there is stuff we don’t need, why have we still got it?)
We should have been going out and getting one of those wire caddy things to hold your shampoo in the shower.
What we wanted to do:
Flickering in front of our eyes for some months, there had been emails whispering about a camping trip with people who have been our friends for thirty or more years, since university.
The more it seemed that our house-move would make it impossible, the more I wanted to go.  And actually, after the traumas of moving house, and struggling through the last few days at school, the prospect of a little too much red wine in front of a camp fire, surrounded by tolerant friends became irresistible. 
What we actually did:
We acknowledged that even if we worked non-stop all weekend, our house would still not be straight.
Once we had admitted that, it was easy to decide to  go.
And funnily enough, in spite of all the turmoil of moving house, the camping things were easily to hand.

Almost as if I had long-ago decided we would go.

Friday, 22 May 2015

Moving Story

So we are in our new house, and after the long and drawn out parting from our old one, it is amazing how quickly this feels like home.
The main challenge has been to lay hands on all the necessities of life.
I’m sure we brought them with us, so where are they now?
I have mentally been compiling a list of the top items which I was glad to set eyes on again as they emerged from cardboard boxes and bubble wrap. Here they are:
the kettle (apparently the foreman of the removal men deliberately hid it so his guys wouldn’t get too distracted by constant rounds of tea and biscuits)
the iron – one hates to present a crumpled façade
that funny little bit of wood with two wheels on it – we nearly threw it out, but now know what it came off
the key to the medicine cabinet – paracetamol is a must for any house move
the remote control for my mechanised tarantula – not an emergency, but lost it months ago and have been missing it
a glass vase – I had thought this was a non-essential item but it seems that kind friends bring flowers on these occasions

But most of all, the prawn sandwich which we bought a week earlier to eat on removal day.  It promptly vanished and I couldn’t really rest easy knowing it was out there somewhere, like a smelly time bomb.  It was in the bucket of cleaning things.  Of course.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Last Ritual

“Do you think she’s the kind of person who’ll leave her kitchen cupboards dirty?”
That’s the dreaded house-moving question.
Where I live, everybody knows one another.
If I am the kind of person who leaves her kitchen cupboards dirty, then everybody is about to find out.
Tomorrow.  When we move house.
Thus cornered, I trudged in from work and donned rubber gloves.  To be fair, Nigel had already wiped and hoovered everything upstairs.
But I’m glad he left me the kitchen cupboards.
It is the last caring thing that one does for one’s old home, a ritual of farewell.
It is a gesture of hope and welcome for the incoming family.
Eventually we finished our cleaning and then we went out into the garden and listened to the birdsong as the light faded behind the hornbeam.

Tomorrow evening, we’ll be in our new place, discovering whether “she’s the kind of person who….”

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Mediterranean Crumpets

We sold our big family home seven months ago and soon after, we had our offer accepted on a smaller house in the same town.  So far so good.  But then nothing happened. 
The nothing that happened often felt like something.  In fits and starts, our vendors seemed to be about to buy another house, then didn’t.  Thought they might not move at all, but then persisted with the deal. 
But finally, here we are within two days of our move on Thursday.
But there has been a silver lining – I have learnt new skills.
Three or four times now, we have run down our fridge and larder thinking the move was imminent.
So I have invented  cuisine de dĂ©mĂ©nagement.  I think there could be a book in it.  For people undergoing a prolonged removal period like ourselves, possibly even a TV series.
 
A particular hit was Mediterranean crumpets – feta cheese and cherry tomatoes on a hot crumpet smeared with basil pesto.
Tonight, we shall have red cabbage omelette.
Tomorrow, ris au sauce tomate  avec peut-ĂŞtre
 un saucisse vegetarien.
 
Mouth watering?

Buy the book.

Thursday, 7 May 2015

Vote early and vote often

The election of 2015 will forever be associated in my mind with preparing to move house.
I’ve just got other things on my mind, Messrs Miliband and Cameron, and it’s all a bit confusing this time around. 
Except clearly that UKIP can go back to where they came from: coming over here, trying to steal our votes.
However, our foremothers chained themselves to railings for my right to vote.
So we trekked to the polling booth to make votes perhaps more tactical than heartfelt.
But it is a demonstration of my state of confusion that I was nearly prevented from voting by being unable to operate the double doors (clearly not a “swing” voter then).
And once inside I spotted a booth which was much lower and broader than the others.
“Sweet,” I said to Nigel, “For children to vote.”
“No, love. 
People in wheelchairs.

Children don’t actually have the vote.”

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Vintage Dress

In an ancient paper bag I discovered a project which I had both begun and abandoned when a teenager.  
I had bought at a jumble sale a 1950s “New Look” cocktail dress.  I had dismantled it, in order to make a skirt?, a waistcoat?  I can’t even remember now.  And then I had run out of steam. 
 Why hadn’t I thrown the whole thing out? 
Through how many decades, how many house moves should one keep a shredded jumble sale dress?
But as I opened the pack again, I could see why I had held onto it – it was a gorgeous satin brocade of pink cherry blossom and green leaves  on an oyster background. The style recalled those long ago glamorous days in Cambridge in The Theory of Everything.
Could it be restored?
Before I wasted my time, I cajoled Carenza into it to see if it would fit.  Bristling with pins, she looked like a glamorous hedgehog.
After a long evening of work, the dress was once more fabulous. 
“Now all you need is a garden party!”
“My college does have a garden party but it involves a bouncy castle and sumo wrestling.”
o tempora, o mores!
But then she looked through her emails.
“Ah – I’ve been invited to this year’s encaenia - the honorary degrees ceremony and there’s a garden party afterwards.”
It really is The Theory of Everything.  The collision in time and space of a young woman, an event, and a dress.